Biffy's Tavern: 2012

It's a proven fact: Everybody in the world is a Star Wars fan (whether they know it or not). It's time for you to accept this. I have. When I was little, I wanted to be Han Solo. Han Solo was what made Star Wars great. Never mind that he ran drugs for a crime boss who also happened to be a gastropod. Han was cool because Chewbacca was his best friend.

Pictured: The ultimate bromance

Everyone wishes they had a friend like Chewbacca. Chewbacca is big, furry, and loyal, just like a dog. But dogs's can't talk nor do they have crossbows that shoot lasers. Sorry dogs, but it looks like Chewbacca has you beat. Get back to me when you can pilot a spaceship.

Pictured: Everyone's ideal childhood

What about human friends though? Some of them are big, furry, and loyal. Aren't they suitable substitutes for a lovable Wookiee? Before I answer that question, here's one of my own; do your friends speak with words? If they do, then they're clearly inferior to Chewbacca who is able to sum up his feelings with a few bellows and a growl. Imagine how much more efficient our conversations would be if all our friends were Wookiees.

So never mind that Chewie is a fictional character. Never mind that he was terrified of the monster in the trash compactor or that he yodels like Tarzan or that he doesn't wear pants. Chewbacca is the best.

Monocles: Making the best better since 1720.

Well, here's something new. Before I kick this off, I would like to say that this is a very biased list, based entirely on my own personal preference. Secondly, it's also a very limited list; if I thought I had the time, I would list about twenty or thirty other people. And third and lastly, this list isn't in any particular order. So, all things considered, if you find yourself in disagreement over what you see here, it's not going to surprise me much at all. So lets get started.

John Bonham

John Bonham, known as Bonzo, was the drummer for Led Zeppelin and is often named as the greatest rock drummer of all time. An innovator with a distinctive style, he was also known for his boisterous attitude and hard partying lifestyle. Unfortunately, his superhuman drinking habits eventually lead to his early death and the dissolution of Zeppelin.

Fun Fact: He once threatened to beat up Sting. Bonham was in fact a fan of The Police and took his son Jason (who recounted the story) to see one of their concerts. Sting and Bonham's encounter backstage went sour however, and resulted in Bonham threatening to punch the younger singer. Sting himself has yet to give his perspective on the incident.

Charlie Watts

A strictly-straightlaced member of a band whose libertine adventures are legendary, Watts has often been named by Keith Richards and Mick Jagger as the backbone of the Rolling Stones. He's also aged a lot more gracefully than his bandmates; while the rest of the Stones dried up like leather, Watts looks strangely like Alfred from Batman.

Fun fact: Though best known as being quiet and very polite, Watts tolerance for his band members had limits. When an intoxicated Jagger telephoned Watts in the middle of the night, asking "Where's my drummer?", Watts shaved, dressed in his suit, went to Jagger's hotel room, and laid him out with a single punch, saying "Don't ever call me your drummer again. You're my [expletive] singer!" Watts then returned to his room.

Grace Slick

Grace Slick was one of the lead singer-songwriters for the folk/psychedelic band Jefferson Starship (who notably played at the Woodstock, Altamont, and Monterey festivals) and later Jefferson Starship. One of the first super-successful female rock stars and one of the more dynamic ones as well, Slick is probably most famous for her vocals on the Airplane songs "White Rabbit" and "Somebody to Love", the first of which she also wrote.

Fun Fact: She once attempted to drug President Nixon. A classmate of Nixon's daughter during their days at Finch College, she and other alumni had been invited to a tea party at the White House. She planned on spiking the President's tea with LSD, but her plan went awry when FBI agents recognized her and prevented her from entering the White House.

John Entwistle

John "The Ox" Entwistle is one of greatest bass guitarists rock has ever known, perhaps the best. Known as the quiet member of the Who, he usually was found standing stock still amid the sheer insanity of his bandmates. Nicknamed "Thunderfingers" for his distinct style, he often kept rhythmic time for the band, a role traditionally handled by the drummer, while Keith Moon would fulfill the role of the keyboard on the drums. Entwistle's death in 2002 due to a drug overdose left The Who devoid of much of their distinctive sound.

Fun Fact: If you listen carefully to the bass on "Pinball Wizard", it sounds similar to a pinball machine. This was purposefully done by Entwistle and Townshend. And while you're listening to The Who, you should listen to Entwistle's solo in "My Generation", because it is awesome.

Joan Jett

One of the first woman to get into hard rock, Joan Jett is best known for her distinctive snarling singing style. If you are listening to a classic rock station and you hear a song with a female vocalist, half of the time it probably is going to be Joan Jett. In 2003, she was named by Rolling Stone as one of the 100 Greatest Guitarists of all time; she was one of only two woman on the list. Born in 1958, she continues to lead a successful career. Also, all things considered, she has aged pretty well.

Fun Fact: Jett was one of the founding members of The Runaways, the first successful all-female rock band. Though short lived, The Runaways impact was significant. Of all the members, her solo career has probably been the most successful.

Roger Waters

There have been three eras in the history of Pink Floyd; Syd Barrett, Roger Waters, and David Gilmour. Barrett's writing was fueled primarily by drugs, Water's by his cynicism and bitterness born from his childhood, and Gilmour...well Gilmour was actually fairly well adjusted. Pink Floyd's discography as a whole was undeniably great, but I will admit I prefer Water's period of creative control. It was under his guiding hand that albums like Dark Side of the Moon and The Wall saw the light of day.

Fun Fact: The Wall is essentially biographical of Roger Waters, with some elements of Syd Barrett thrown in as well. The death of the main character's father in WWII and his difficulties with school are all drawn from Water's childhood. The main character's growing disillusionment and detachment with the world around him is based on Water's experiences and feelings during Pink Floyd's days of increasing popularity.

Jimmy Page

The lead guitarist and founder of Led Zeppelin, Page is usually acknowledged as one of the greatest guitarists of all time. Like Eric Clapton and Jeff Beck, Page is an alumni of the Yardbirds, the band that would eventually, in a roundabout fashion, become Led Zeppelin. Tremendously influential, Page has garnered a great deal of fans among his contemporaries. Of particular note is Who lead singer Roger Daltrey, who has expressed interest in the past few years of working with Page. Which would be awesome.

As Page has aged, he has developed an eerie resemblance to Japanese-American physicist Michio Kaku. Which is sort of weird, but there you have it.

Fun Fact: During live performances, Page would occasionally play his guitar with a violin bow. Why? Probably just because he could.

Janis Joplin

A major pioneer for woman in rock, Janis Joplin is best known for her raspy vocals and blues influence style. Joplin's life was a rollercoaster of struggles and it wasn't until the tail end that she rose to stardom. Her influence of later musicians like Stevie Nicks belies the shortness of her career prior to her death due to a heroin overdose at the early age of 27.

Not So Fun Fact: Janis Joplin is part of the "27 Club". She, along with Jimi Hendrix, Brian Jones, and Jim Morrison, all died within two years of each other at the age of 27 years.

Pete Townshend

One of the two surviving members of The Who, Townshend's impact upon rock and roll is staggering. Townshend was instrumental in popularizing the windmill and instrument destruction, which lent much to The Who's reputation as one of the best live concert bands. He was one of the first to develop the use of guitar feedback in rock music. And it was Townshend who created the archetypal rock opera, Tommy. A brilliant song writer and idea man, Townshend is also known for being very vocal in his opinions and was in many ways the spokesperson and face of The Who.

Fun Fact: Townshend was the first to smash his guitar on stage. This originated during one of The Who's earlier concert when Townshend snapped the neck of his guitar on a low hanging ceiling. Frustrated by the crowd's lack of reaction, he smashed the guitar to pieces, grabbed a new one, and then carried on as if it had been part of the show all along. The attendance of The Who's concerts increased substantially afterwards and it soon became the signature move of Keith Moon and Townshend to destroy their instruments in front of the delighted crowd. Townshend's guitar destruction was eventually surpassed when Jimi Hendrix ignited his guitar onstage.

Ian Anderson

Is Ian Anderson insane? Take a look at the picture above and decide for yourself. The driving force behind Jethro Tull, he is the first artist to ever front a rock band with a classical instrument. Under his leadership Jethro Tull has covered a wide variety of genres, including electronic rock, progressive rock, folk rock, and hard rock. Well-spoken, intellectual, and just a bit mad, Anderson is probably the best thing to come out of Scotland. Ever.

Fun Fact: In 1988, Jethro Tull beat out metal band Metallica for a hard rock/heavy metal Grammy. Seeing as how Jethro Tull had never forayed into hard rock or metal prior to 1987, the award spawned a great deal of controversy. Jethro Tull's official response was this poster;