Sunday, October 17, 2010
Friday, October 15, 2010
Night-Knight: A Sad Story
Tim was not a noteworthy individual. He never jumped the grand canyon. He never designed a skyscraper. Instead, he worked a nine to five job, could fry a mean steak, and was going prematurely bald.
This was merely a cover. What the public did not realize was that Tim had a dark secret. By day he was Tim, man of ordinary upbringing and lowly aspirations. By night, he was Night-Knight, defender of the weak and destitute, champion of the common man, and sidekick to Maid Megaton, greatest heroine of planet Earth.
How could this be? It all began when he was bitten by a dying alien, which granted him absolutely no powers. He was not discouraged by this however, and with intensive training and constant practice he turned his weakling body into a deadly weapon.
But what did he have to gain from his daring heroics? Was it an intense feeling of pride and self worth that came from defending the victimized citizens of Megalopolisville? No, his motivations were far removed from such naive altruistic delusions. What he truly wanted was to impress the lovely Maid Megaton.
Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. She was entirely unimpressed by his dime-store Batman antics. Yet she felt sorry for him, in the way one might feel sorry for a sad puppy or a cat that has just been run over. He was initially dismayed to discover this, but in the end rationalized that it was better than nothing. So he became her loyal sidekick. For a few happy months they traveled the globe, fighting evil and promoting the ideals of truth and justice.
All good things come to an end of course. Tim, aka Night-Knight, was cursed with a fleshy frame that possessed no superhuman attributes. As a result, a single punch from the psychotic super-villain Crazy Elmo was more than enough to disintegrate his body into a cloud of disassociated subatomic particles. He died instantly and his career came to an abrupt end. Maid Megaton was saddened for a bit, but her friends found a new sidekick for her, and Night-Knight was quickly forgotten.
It was a sad story.
This was merely a cover. What the public did not realize was that Tim had a dark secret. By day he was Tim, man of ordinary upbringing and lowly aspirations. By night, he was Night-Knight, defender of the weak and destitute, champion of the common man, and sidekick to Maid Megaton, greatest heroine of planet Earth.
How could this be? It all began when he was bitten by a dying alien, which granted him absolutely no powers. He was not discouraged by this however, and with intensive training and constant practice he turned his weakling body into a deadly weapon.
But what did he have to gain from his daring heroics? Was it an intense feeling of pride and self worth that came from defending the victimized citizens of Megalopolisville? No, his motivations were far removed from such naive altruistic delusions. What he truly wanted was to impress the lovely Maid Megaton.
Sadly, it wasn't meant to be. She was entirely unimpressed by his dime-store Batman antics. Yet she felt sorry for him, in the way one might feel sorry for a sad puppy or a cat that has just been run over. He was initially dismayed to discover this, but in the end rationalized that it was better than nothing. So he became her loyal sidekick. For a few happy months they traveled the globe, fighting evil and promoting the ideals of truth and justice.
All good things come to an end of course. Tim, aka Night-Knight, was cursed with a fleshy frame that possessed no superhuman attributes. As a result, a single punch from the psychotic super-villain Crazy Elmo was more than enough to disintegrate his body into a cloud of disassociated subatomic particles. He died instantly and his career came to an abrupt end. Maid Megaton was saddened for a bit, but her friends found a new sidekick for her, and Night-Knight was quickly forgotten.
It was a sad story.
Monday, September 27, 2010
Angst and Apathy: A Tale of Terror from Biology
This is what happens when I get bored in class. It was either this or fall asleep.
I have seen the face of evil. I know its name, and I know its number. It is 339. Ever since the dark days of yore when I, as a Freshman, ventured into the deep and abominable depths of Leon Johnson, this dark and undeniable truth has been etched into my brain.
The droning strains of the Professor's Germanic voice goes on. His dry humor elicits an equally dry chuckle at best and a vague stirring of the subconscious at worst. He has been given the laborious and in truth thankless task of educating a host of students in the finer points of cellular biology. My attention has already wandered to a distant place. He has lost this battle.
I can only hope that he does not lose the war.
Time passes in a strange manner here in this room. It moves forward in frenzied bursts, then at deathly slow pace, first forwards, then backwards. I was, am, and shall always be here. All of the noise has blended into a jagged blur and I am now caught in a eidolonic stasis.
Three students have Macs. All are using Facebook.
Two girls in front of me won't stop talking. Both are attractive. I cannot pay attention. My tenuous grasp on the Professor's monologue is gone.
Somewhere, some individual begins coughing. They do not stop. I imagine myself offering them a cough drop. Inexplicably the heinous hacking halts. I marvel at the verisimilitude of this moment.
Immediately three other individuals begin coughing.
Phosphates, amino acids, nucleotides, and electrons swirl in a vicissitudinal morass of which nothing makes sense. Madness is approaching.
I have seen it. It lurks in the far corner of my eye. Every time the Professor falls silent, the madness is clearly evident, a omnipresent suffocating presence. The Professor must feel it as well for he hurriedly speaks once more, desperate to fill the awful void the silence has spawned. But it is no good. Madness does not leave. It merely waits for the perfect moment to overthrow our tenuous and fragile grip upon reality and bring forth an warped deluge of chimerical horrors.
I try to put it from my mind. Oh woe, woe to me and those who cannot withstand the twisted machinations of this terrible room and its devilish dispensation of terrible knowledge. I cannot sit here any longer, so I leave.
I have seen the face of evil. I know its name, and I know its number. It is 339. Ever since the dark days of yore when I, as a Freshman, ventured into the deep and abominable depths of Leon Johnson, this dark and undeniable truth has been etched into my brain.
The droning strains of the Professor's Germanic voice goes on. His dry humor elicits an equally dry chuckle at best and a vague stirring of the subconscious at worst. He has been given the laborious and in truth thankless task of educating a host of students in the finer points of cellular biology. My attention has already wandered to a distant place. He has lost this battle.
I can only hope that he does not lose the war.
Time passes in a strange manner here in this room. It moves forward in frenzied bursts, then at deathly slow pace, first forwards, then backwards. I was, am, and shall always be here. All of the noise has blended into a jagged blur and I am now caught in a eidolonic stasis.
Three students have Macs. All are using Facebook.
Two girls in front of me won't stop talking. Both are attractive. I cannot pay attention. My tenuous grasp on the Professor's monologue is gone.
Somewhere, some individual begins coughing. They do not stop. I imagine myself offering them a cough drop. Inexplicably the heinous hacking halts. I marvel at the verisimilitude of this moment.
Immediately three other individuals begin coughing.
Phosphates, amino acids, nucleotides, and electrons swirl in a vicissitudinal morass of which nothing makes sense. Madness is approaching.
I have seen it. It lurks in the far corner of my eye. Every time the Professor falls silent, the madness is clearly evident, a omnipresent suffocating presence. The Professor must feel it as well for he hurriedly speaks once more, desperate to fill the awful void the silence has spawned. But it is no good. Madness does not leave. It merely waits for the perfect moment to overthrow our tenuous and fragile grip upon reality and bring forth an warped deluge of chimerical horrors.
I try to put it from my mind. Oh woe, woe to me and those who cannot withstand the twisted machinations of this terrible room and its devilish dispensation of terrible knowledge. I cannot sit here any longer, so I leave.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Because Life Can Be Awesome
This guy answers that age old question; What if the Beatles were an Irish folk band?
Thursday, April 8, 2010
The Inevitable Sequel
These conversations never cease to be entertaining.
Andrew
i c u
and your little dog too
9:52pmSeth
what? where are you?
9:52pmAndrew
in your head
9:52pmSeth
Ah, you're just a figment of my imagination.
I just fed you to a pack of grizzly sharks
9:53pmAndrew
i ate them instead
what now
9:54pmSeth
they are like aliens and burst out of your chest
9:54pmAndrew
i shove them back in
9:55pmAndrew
cause i'm badass like that
9:56pmSeth
They then devour your innards
9:56pmAndrew
they cant. their made of adimantium
and my blood is acid
cause my real name is chuck norris
9:57pmSeth
they have the ability to electomagnetically tear apart atoms. Even adamantium won't help you
9:58pmAndrew
i engulf them w/in my body by the flames of hell
10:00pmSeth
Then the rooster crows three times and Ragnarok is unleashed. Fenrir breaks free of his chains. He then devours you in a single gulp and you spiral down into oblivion and are forever erased from existence.
10:01pmAndrew
except he doesn't engulf me. i use jedi mind tricks to make him think he devored me and instead turn him into my obedient lap dog. I ride him into battle and obliterate the armys of haydes
10:02pmSeth
Fenrir is a mountain sized wolf whose jaws scrape the sky and earth when he yawns. Your jedi mind tricks are completely useless.
10:03pmAndrew
g2g
10:03pmSeth
hmm?
10:10pmAndrew
shift was over
had to go back to my room
10:11pmSeth
oh. Well you lost.
10:13pmAndrew
no because it was only a diversion. i use my shrink ray i stole from "honey I shrunk the kids" and use it on the giant wolf
he shrinks to the size of a kitten and i proceed to punt him off a bridge
10:14pmSeth
But you weren't paying attention and you get run over by a semi
10:15pmAndrew
doesnt' affect me i'm made of adamantium
remember?
10:15pmSeth
but so is this truck
It's moving at 90% the speed of light and is carrying a cargo of nuclear fission warheads
10:16pmAndrew
i eat it for breakfast
... and a light snack
10:17pmSeth
It then blows up inside your, splattering your dna across a billion dimensions.
heh heh
10:20pmAndrew
the radiation actually does not kill me but instead makes me even more invincible than i already was... thus i become hyper invincible and reach a new level of awesomeness w/o even trying
10:21pmSeth
Your overbearing arrogance ticks off every omnipotent being in the multiverse. They transform you into microscopic flea on a speck of dust and drop you into the center of a big bang.
10:22pmAndrew
thats only what you think... in your ignorance as the narrator you miss the fact that i surpass every omnipotent bieng in every way and turn all of them into microscopic flea on a speck of dust and drop them into the center of a big bang.
you however don't notice this because it happens so faast
10:23pmSeth
That's impossible. They're omnipotent. That's like saying I counted to more than infinity.
10:23pmAndrew
but thats exactly what i (chuck norris) can do
10:25pmSeth
no, you can't. President Rassilon of Gallifrey from Doctor Who grows annoyed with your posturing and sends Dan Simmon's Shrike to freeze time and tear you apart atom by atom and then erase you from ever being born.*
10:26pmAndrew
except i forsee... whatever that was and, well to save a long description, stop it and every other possible occurance that could have ever stopped me from doing whatever i did now and a few mins ago thus rooting me impregnable to any form of sabotage
and with that I say I win and do you want to play gamecube?
10:27pmSeth
no you fail because you pulled the "I'm invincible card."
Well I can do that to.
Using overwhelming firepower I obliterate you despite your best efforts and win forever BWA hah aha ha!
Which game?
10:29pmAndrew
idk whatever multiplayer one that i have that u want to play
i have everythign unlocked for timesplitters now
10:31pmSeth
Okay, I'm talking to a few people right now but I'll see. Timesplitters sounds good.
10:31pmAndrew
kk i'll be waiting
*-Evidence of the sheer enormity of my geekery.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Sharks with Monocles
It is common knowledge that there is nothing scarier than a shark. Two-ton soulless death machines that prowl the oceans endlessly searching for things to devour, sharks are the worst nightmare of every thing that has a soul. Their eyes are empty, devoid of emotion, and their mouths are full, full of long sharp teeth. Could they possibly be any more terrifying?
The answer is yes. Photoshop a top hat and monocle onto a shark and it suddenly becomes ten times more terrifying than it was before, a sophisticated supervillain of the seas, cleverly plotting the demise of the human race while presumably drinking a cup of tea and playing a high stakes game of chess against Davy Jones.
What is the origin of this phenomenon? It all seems to have started back in 2001 with the formation of the Cleveland Barons AHL team. The Barons were named in honor of an earlier Barons team, who played from 1937 to 1973 before folding. When the new Barons were put together, they decided they needed a new mascot of their own. They traded in the old one, a man wearing a top hat and monocle, for something new and far better; a shark wearing a top hat and monocle.
He was christened Slapshark. Yes, Slapshark. For five years the Monocled Menace terrorized opposing teams and crushed other mascots in the Mascot Power Rankings until the second incarnation of the Barons relocated to Worcester. Sadly Slapshark was left behind and replaced by the much less impressive Finz.
We can only guess to Slapshark's whereabouts, but most likely he is in an undersea lair, biding his time until the moment is right. But until that time comes, we can only watch and wait as monocled shark's take over the internet and then the world.
Note: Image credits go to Cracked, Sports Logos, and DeviantArt
"Now Mister Bond, you will be dropped into the tank...with me!"
What is the origin of this phenomenon? It all seems to have started back in 2001 with the formation of the Cleveland Barons AHL team. The Barons were named in honor of an earlier Barons team, who played from 1937 to 1973 before folding. When the new Barons were put together, they decided they needed a new mascot of their own. They traded in the old one, a man wearing a top hat and monocle, for something new and far better; a shark wearing a top hat and monocle.
He was christened Slapshark. Yes, Slapshark. For five years the Monocled Menace terrorized opposing teams and crushed other mascots in the Mascot Power Rankings until the second incarnation of the Barons relocated to Worcester. Sadly Slapshark was left behind and replaced by the much less impressive Finz.
We can only guess to Slapshark's whereabouts, but most likely he is in an undersea lair, biding his time until the moment is right. But until that time comes, we can only watch and wait as monocled shark's take over the internet and then the world.
Note: Image credits go to Cracked, Sports Logos, and DeviantArt
Journal of a Mad Yak Slayer Part 1
I can kill a yak at a thousand paces with my psychic mind bullets.
Impressive you say? Well I bet you won’t think it’s so impressive when I tell you that yaks are the only things I can kill with my mind bullets.
How does that work you say? How am I to know? Do I look like a scientist who plumbs the mysteries of the human brain to you? No? Alright. Shut up and let me finish.
It all began about five years ago. I was driving down a small road by the Calcutta Yak Dairy when I noticed a man standing in the ditch, staring intently out into the field at a herd of yaks peacefully grazing. For some reason I cannot explain, I was compelled to stop. I exited my vehicle and hailed the fellow. He looked at me, waved, and resumed his staring.
My curiosity aroused, I asked him what his business was.
“I’m killing yaks,” he replied cheerfully.
Sure that I had heard him wrong, I reiterated my question. He just chuckled and told me to watch the nearest yak. Unsure of what to do, I did as he asked. The yak was quite unremarkable, aside from being a yak. You don’t see many yaks around these days.
The man closed his eyes, muttered, and the yak fell to the ground like a stone. I gaped.
“How…?” I said, half to the man, half to myself, still staring at the dead yak. He laughed again and told me that we could discuss it over coffee. Fifteen minutes later we sat in Julie’s Diner, eating donuts and drinking hot coffee. He explained to me that he had trained in the Nameless Temple high in the mountains of Nepal under Master Ping, learning the hidden powers of the mind.
My mind turned back, recalling the death of the hapless yak only half an hour before. Eagerly I asked the man if he could teach me. Sadly he shook his head. No was his answer. Only Master Ping could impart that knowledge. He would say no more.
Thus began the longest journey of my life. Suffice to say, I arrived at the Nameless Temple three years later, a beaten man, a tired man, and above all else a man who thirsted for the blood of yaks. The monk who guarded the gates, a mountain of a man, took one look at my fevered eyes and let me in.
The training was difficult. I meditated for hours and climbed snowy mountains. I learned how to cross the surface of a pond in three steps without a single ripple and how to fight barehanded against ten men and win. But Master Ping never taught me the art of slaying yaks.
In time I grew impatient. This was my great folly. In my arrogance I chose to take the knowledge through force, storming the temple in the dead of night while the yeti howled their mournful cries and the cold winds blew. I fought a thousand men that night, warriors all, but they had trained me well and my desire was great. That night a thousand men died.
At last only Master Ping stood against me. I went to strike him down and he merely looked at me. I froze in my footsteps unable to blink or even breathe. He studied me for a moment before seizing the scroll I desired and placing it in my hands. He then turned and walked away, disappearing into the shadows.
Not until his footsteps faded away could I move again. I stared at the scroll in my hands, unable to believe that it was finally mine. The power to kill yaks was finally mine! Joyfully I opened the scroll and gazed at the ancient words of power and suddenly understood. I screamed, unable to accept what I saw.
I fell to the ground in a catatonic state, my mind filled with visions of a dark future.
In the distance a yeti howled at the moon.
To be Continued...
So yeah, I was bored and this is the direct result of that boredom. There's not much more to say.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Producers will be calling any second now...
Another reason to love Facebook. Yes, this conversation really happened. So here we go…
6:14 pm Andrew
ah
i'm cutting out strips of paper
its fuuuuuuun
6:15 pm Seth
What conceivable purpose could that serve?
6:16 pm Andrew
i then tape it onto another piece of paper
that has txt on it
to try to make a perfect rag right paragraph
O_O
u'd have to come down and c it to understand what i'm talking about
6:17 pm Seth
apparently
6:17 pm Andrew
its for graphic design
6:18 pm Seth
hmm
that's why I'm not a graphic designist*
6:19 pm Andrew
lol
designers have taken over the world btw
we control everything O_o
just by changin colors we can change the way you see a person or a product
a few lines and we can make u feel happy or enraged
6:20 pm Seth
I still think the mob is just a little higher on the foodchain
just a little
6:20 pm Andrew
I ... have... the ... POWER
!!!!!
6:20 pm Seth
I appeal to a higher court
6:20 pm Andrew
there is non...
no god... because... we designed what he looked like
6:21 pm Seth
No, chthulhu.
or azathoth
6:21 pm Andrew
we designed him too
him to
6:21 pm Seth
nope. to look upon his true form would cause your puny human brain to implode
6:22 pm Andrew
...
if u think about it though... graphic design has a huge effect on the world around us
6:22 pm Seth
Nuclear bombs sneer at graphic design
6:22 pm Andrew
almost every revolution in Europe was started or influenced by artists/designers
6:23 pm Seth
Now mad science, that's art.
6:23pm Andrew
...
i will steal your hot daughter**
6:24 pm Seth
But secretly she's a robot simulacrum with a bomb inside.
The real one's on the other side of the world
6:24 pm Andrew
i am on the other side of the world
6:25 pm Seth
no, you only think you are do to my mind manipulator ray
6:25 pm Andrew
you only think u used a mind manipulator ray because i used on on you first
O_o
6:26 pm Seth
That was a robot simulacrum
6:26 pm Andrew
thats what you think
because thats what i wanted you to think
6:27 pm Seth
Ha, you still don't understand. Using my technological prowess I have transcended my frail fleshy frame and become an energy being, a veritable god. Of mad science to boot.
6:27 pm Andrew
i pulled your plug
and transfared you brain into the body of a goldfish
named klaus
and gave u a german accent
6:29 pm Seth
Impossible, I foresaw your pathetic ploy and traveled back in time and destroyed you before you were born.
6:29 pm Andrew
forseeing that i drugged you while u were asleep and plugged you into a matrix like world
where i contol everything
including the lady in the red dress
who happens to be your daughter
6:30 pm Seth
Being an energy being I escaped with ease and created multiple levels of virtual reality from which you can never escape
6:31 pm Andrew
except ur not an energy being... i thwarted your plan and erased your memroy. placing only the disillusion that u had succeded
6:34 pm Seth
That is until an army of alternate reality me's teleport into your base, rescue me, drug you into unconsciousness, and then cremate the entire universe in which you exist.
6:36 pm Andrew
except I knowing the answer to life (its 42 in case you want to know), and thus the answer to everything transend physical needs. thus ur alternate you's just piss me off and I crush their skulls with the force. thus leaving you still plugged into the matrix, where your a fish, who believes hes a god, who thinks hes escaped a padded cell
i win
face it
6:38 pm Seth
Wrongo. It turns out that 42 was never the answer (it was 43) and you meddled in forces you could never control. The sheer backlash of your powers retroactively ensures you never existed. No one even remembers you. Without anybody to challenge me, I take over the world.
6:40 pm Andrew
except i already knew the answer and changed it based upon my wishes. thus its not backlash but sheer awesomness that you see. which in turn whipes your mind. and when you wake you remeber nothing of this...
something tells me this could make a ridiculsly awesome story
6:40 pm Seth
That's what you want to believe, but sadly it is not the case. I predicted you would switch the numbers, so I switched them first.
And yes, yes it could.
6:41 pm Andrew
oh but knowing you wer going to switched them i switched them before you could switch them before i could switch them
6:42 pm Seth
I knew you would do that. I also knew that the third time the numbers are switched, the one who switched them would be possessed by an extradimensional warp beast and dragged into the Big Bang. You played into my hands.
6:44 pm Seth
Bwa haha!
6:45 pm Andrew
knowing that would happen i created a clone of me that switched the #'s and once the beast possed him i blew up an antimatter daemon destroying bomb that i had created inside my clone. and then detonated a similar bomb in you. which i had teleported their only seconds before you first challenged my epicness
thus ending perhaps the most awesome battle that never happend
6:47 pm Seth
Wrong again. I knew you would do that, so I rearranged my DNA so that the energy of the bomb would only make me even more powerful than before. You, believing I was dead, did not even see me when I snuck up behind you and shock you in the head.
With a lightning bolt.
Forged by Zeus.***
6:47 pm Andrew
except bing the trancended ultimate power of he univers i have no head
oh and i'm zues's daddy
6:48 pm Seth
No you wasted the ultimate force of the universe on your clone remember?
6:48 pm Andrew
(not the titan that he killed but his reall father)
6:48 pm Seth
And he's dead
6:48 pm Andrew
the ultimate force is impossible to exaust
6:49 pm Seth
It turns out that since I'm your archnemesis, I was blessed with the antithesis of the ultimate force, making me your equal and opposite in every way. You did not suspect this and I obliterate you.
6:50 pm Andrew
except by being my equal and exact oppisite you cannot defeat me and even if it were possible my death would create utter nothingness and would result in your demise too
6:51 pm Seth
Sadly wrong. I transferred my consciousness into every sentient being in the omniverse. I will never truly die.
6:52 pm Andrew
growing tired of this skirmish i instate an ultimate freeze of time and space. rendering both of us incapable of doing anything else. I then create my own personal universe w/in my mind. you do the same and we continue our respective fights were we both win
thus both of us win and both of us lose however neither are aware of eachothers outcomes
fin.
lol
6:54 pm Seth
I just thought I'd throw it out there that my universe is totally awesome.
6:54 pm Andrew
lol
6:54pmSeth
Yours on the other hand...
6:54 pm Andrew
you have no idea how awesome mine is
because u can't c it
but trust me mines better
anyways new topic that doesn't involve long debates...
6:55 pm Seth
I'm copy and pasting this.
Notes:
Spelling errors were allowed to stay for posterity's sake.
*-This was intentional, just so you know.
**-This is sort of a running joke. Every Mad Scientist has a beautiful daughter who betrays them for the Action Science Hero nemesis of the Mad Scientist.
***-Yes, everyone knows it is actually Hephaestus who forges Zeus's lightning bolts, but it took too long to type. I'm lazy and proud of it.
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