Because Life Should Be This Awesome

Part 1

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Part 2

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Sharks with Monocles

It is common knowledge that there is nothing scarier than a shark. Two-ton soulless death machines that prowl the oceans endlessly searching for things to devour, sharks are the worst nightmare of every thing that has a soul. Their eyes are empty, devoid of emotion, and their mouths are full, full of long sharp teeth. Could they possibly be any more terrifying?

"Now Mister Bond, you will be dropped into the tank...with me!"

 

The answer is yes. Photoshop a top hat and monocle onto a shark and it suddenly becomes ten times more terrifying than it was before, a sophisticated supervillain of the seas, cleverly plotting the demise of the human race while presumably drinking a cup of tea and playing a high stakes game of chess against Davy Jones.

What is the origin of this phenomenon? It all seems to have started back in 2001 with the formation of the Cleveland Barons AHL team. The Barons were named in honor of an earlier Barons team, who played from 1937 to 1973 before folding. When the new Barons were put together, they decided they needed a new mascot of their own. They traded in the old one, a man wearing a top hat and monocle, for something new and far better; a shark wearing a top hat and monocle.

He was christened Slapshark. Yes, Slapshark. For five years the Monocled Menace terrorized opposing teams and crushed other mascots in the Mascot Power Rankings until the second incarnation of the Barons relocated to Worcester. Sadly Slapshark was left behind and replaced by the much less impressive Finz.

We can only guess to Slapshark's whereabouts, but most likely he is in an undersea lair, biding his time until the moment is right. But until that time comes, we can only watch and wait as monocled shark's take over the internet and then the world.





Note: Image credits go to Cracked, Sports Logos, and DeviantArt

Because Life Should Be This Awesome

Journal of a Mad Yak Slayer Part 1

I can kill a yak at a thousand paces with my psychic mind bullets.

Impressive you say? Well I bet you won’t think it’s so impressive when I tell you that yaks are the only things I can kill with my mind bullets.

How does that work you say? How am I to know? Do I look like a scientist who plumbs the mysteries of the human brain to you? No? Alright. Shut up and let me finish.

It all began about five years ago. I was driving down a small road by the Calcutta Yak Dairy when I noticed a man standing in the ditch, staring intently out into the field at a herd of yaks peacefully grazing. For some reason I cannot explain, I was compelled to stop. I exited my vehicle and hailed the fellow. He looked at me, waved, and resumed his staring.

My curiosity aroused, I asked him what his business was.

“I’m killing yaks,” he replied cheerfully.

Sure that I had heard him wrong, I reiterated my question. He just chuckled and told me to watch the nearest yak. Unsure of what to do, I did as he asked. The yak was quite unremarkable, aside from being a yak. You don’t see many yaks around these days.

The man closed his eyes, muttered, and the yak fell to the ground like a stone. I gaped.

“How…?” I said, half to the man, half to myself, still staring at the dead yak. He laughed again and told me that we could discuss it over coffee. Fifteen minutes later we sat in Julie’s Diner, eating donuts and drinking hot coffee. He explained to me that he had trained in the Nameless Temple high in the mountains of Nepal under Master Ping, learning the hidden powers of the mind.

My mind turned back, recalling the death of the hapless yak only half an hour before. Eagerly I asked the man if he could teach me. Sadly he shook his head. No was his answer. Only Master Ping could impart that knowledge. He would say no more.

Thus began the longest journey of my life. Suffice to say, I arrived at the Nameless Temple three years later, a beaten man, a tired man, and above all else a man who thirsted for the blood of yaks. The monk who guarded the gates, a mountain of a man, took one look at my fevered eyes and let me in.

The training was difficult. I meditated for hours and climbed snowy mountains. I learned how to cross the surface of a pond in three steps without a single ripple and how to fight barehanded against ten men and win. But Master Ping never taught me the art of slaying yaks.

In time I grew impatient. This was my great folly. In my arrogance I chose to take the knowledge through force, storming the temple in the dead of night while the yeti howled their mournful cries and the cold winds blew. I fought a thousand men that night, warriors all, but they had trained me well and my desire was great. That night a thousand men died.

At last only Master Ping stood against me. I went to strike him down and he merely looked at me. I froze in my footsteps unable to blink or even breathe. He studied me for a moment before seizing the scroll I desired and placing it in my hands. He then turned and walked away, disappearing into the shadows.

Not until his footsteps faded away could I move again. I stared at the scroll in my hands, unable to believe that it was finally mine. The power to kill yaks was finally mine! Joyfully I opened the scroll and gazed at the ancient words of power and suddenly understood. I screamed, unable to accept what I saw.

I fell to the ground in a catatonic state, my mind filled with visions of a dark future.

In the distance a yeti howled at the moon.

To be Continued...

So yeah, I was bored and this is the direct result of that boredom. There's not much more to say.

Awesome cover of an awesome song by a band I've never heard of.

Producers will be calling any second now...

Another reason to love Facebook. Yes, this conversation really happened. So here we go…

6:14 pm Andrew

ah

i'm cutting out strips of paper

its fuuuuuuun

6:15 pm Seth

What conceivable purpose could that serve?

6:16 pm Andrew

i then tape it onto another piece of paper

that has txt on it

to try to make a perfect rag right paragraph

O_O

u'd have to come down and c it to understand what i'm talking about

6:17 pm Seth

apparently

6:17 pm Andrew

its for graphic design

6:18 pm Seth

hmm

that's why I'm not a graphic designist*

6:19 pm Andrew

lol

designers have taken over the world btw

we control everything O_o

just by changin colors we can change the way you see a person or a product

a few lines and we can make u feel happy or enraged

6:20 pm Seth

I still think the mob is just a little higher on the foodchain

just a little

6:20 pm Andrew

I ... have... the ... POWER

!!!!!

6:20 pm Seth

I appeal to a higher court

6:20 pm Andrew

there is non...

no god... because... we designed what he looked like

6:21 pm Seth

No, chthulhu.

or azathoth

6:21 pm Andrew

we designed him too

him to

6:21 pm Seth

nope. to look upon his true form would cause your puny human brain to implode

6:22 pm Andrew

...

if u think about it though... graphic design has a huge effect on the world around us

6:22 pm Seth

Nuclear bombs sneer at graphic design

6:22 pm Andrew

almost every revolution in Europe was started or influenced by artists/designers

6:23 pm Seth

Now mad science, that's art.

6:23pm Andrew

...

i will steal your hot daughter**

6:24 pm Seth

But secretly she's a robot simulacrum with a bomb inside.

The real one's on the other side of the world

6:24 pm Andrew

i am on the other side of the world

6:25 pm Seth

no, you only think you are do to my mind manipulator ray

6:25 pm Andrew

you only think u used a mind manipulator ray because i used on on you first

O_o

6:26 pm Seth

That was a robot simulacrum

6:26 pm Andrew

thats what you think

because thats what i wanted you to think

6:27 pm Seth

Ha, you still don't understand. Using my technological prowess I have transcended my frail fleshy frame and become an energy being, a veritable god. Of mad science to boot.

6:27 pm Andrew

i pulled your plug

and transfared you brain into the body of a goldfish

named klaus

and gave u a german accent

6:29 pm Seth

Impossible, I foresaw your pathetic ploy and traveled back in time and destroyed you before you were born.

6:29 pm Andrew

forseeing that i drugged you while u were asleep and plugged you into a matrix like world

where i contol everything

including the lady in the red dress

who happens to be your daughter

6:30 pm Seth

Being an energy being I escaped with ease and created multiple levels of virtual reality from which you can never escape

6:31 pm Andrew

except ur not an energy being... i thwarted your plan and erased your memroy. placing only the disillusion that u had succeded

6:34 pm Seth

That is until an army of alternate reality me's teleport into your base, rescue me, drug you into unconsciousness, and then cremate the entire universe in which you exist.

6:36 pm Andrew

except I knowing the answer to life (its 42 in case you want to know), and thus the answer to everything transend physical needs. thus ur alternate you's just piss me off and I crush their skulls with the force. thus leaving you still plugged into the matrix, where your a fish, who believes hes a god, who thinks hes escaped a padded cell

i win

face it

6:38 pm Seth

Wrongo. It turns out that 42 was never the answer (it was 43) and you meddled in forces you could never control. The sheer backlash of your powers retroactively ensures you never existed. No one even remembers you. Without anybody to challenge me, I take over the world.

6:40 pm Andrew

except i already knew the answer and changed it based upon my wishes. thus its not backlash but sheer awesomness that you see. which in turn whipes your mind. and when you wake you remeber nothing of this...

something tells me this could make a ridiculsly awesome story

6:40 pm Seth

That's what you want to believe, but sadly it is not the case. I predicted you would switch the numbers, so I switched them first.

And yes, yes it could.

6:41 pm Andrew

oh but knowing you wer going to switched them i switched them before you could switch them before i could switch them

6:42 pm Seth

I knew you would do that. I also knew that the third time the numbers are switched, the one who switched them would be possessed by an extradimensional warp beast and dragged into the Big Bang. You played into my hands.

6:44 pm Seth

Bwa haha!

6:45 pm Andrew

knowing that would happen i created a clone of me that switched the #'s and once the beast possed him i blew up an antimatter daemon destroying bomb that i had created inside my clone. and then detonated a similar bomb in you. which i had teleported their only seconds before you first challenged my epicness

thus ending perhaps the most awesome battle that never happend

6:47 pm Seth

Wrong again. I knew you would do that, so I rearranged my DNA so that the energy of the bomb would only make me even more powerful than before. You, believing I was dead, did not even see me when I snuck up behind you and shock you in the head.

With a lightning bolt.

Forged by Zeus.***

6:47 pm Andrew

except bing the trancended ultimate power of he univers i have no head

oh and i'm zues's daddy

6:48 pm Seth

No you wasted the ultimate force of the universe on your clone remember?

6:48 pm Andrew

(not the titan that he killed but his reall father)

6:48 pm Seth

And he's dead

6:48 pm Andrew

the ultimate force is impossible to exaust

6:49 pm Seth

It turns out that since I'm your archnemesis, I was blessed with the antithesis of the ultimate force, making me your equal and opposite in every way. You did not suspect this and I obliterate you.

6:50 pm Andrew

except by being my equal and exact oppisite you cannot defeat me and even if it were possible my death would create utter nothingness and would result in your demise too

6:51 pm Seth

Sadly wrong. I transferred my consciousness into every sentient being in the omniverse. I will never truly die.

6:52 pm Andrew

growing tired of this skirmish i instate an ultimate freeze of time and space. rendering both of us incapable of doing anything else. I then create my own personal universe w/in my mind. you do the same and we continue our respective fights were we both win

thus both of us win and both of us lose however neither are aware of eachothers outcomes

fin.

lol

6:54 pm Seth

I just thought I'd throw it out there that my universe is totally awesome.

6:54 pm Andrew

lol

6:54pmSeth

Yours on the other hand...

6:54 pm Andrew

you have no idea how awesome mine is

because u can't c it

but trust me mines better

anyways new topic that doesn't involve long debates...

6:55 pm Seth

I'm copy and pasting this.

Notes:

Spelling errors were allowed to stay for posterity's sake.

*-This was intentional, just so you know.

**-This is sort of a running joke. Every Mad Scientist has a beautiful daughter who betrays them for the Action Science Hero nemesis of the Mad Scientist.

***-Yes, everyone knows it is actually Hephaestus who forges Zeus's lightning bolts, but it took too long to type. I'm lazy and proud of it.